Not quite yet Bavarian...

'So, these things you write about – one-night stand with a brass band, whipping a senior colleague in a chariot race, and the, ähem, interesting little exchange with a school-leaver dressed in Wonder Woman boots – did they really happen?

Meet you at Mainburg's British Book Store

It's the very first question posed by Etienne Nückel, reporter from the Mittelbayerische, when we meet up in La Vita, Mainburg.

'Hmm, actually, yes,' I reply, half-acknowledging I'm being put in the confession box rather than answering a simple routine question.

Pushing the embarassing question aside, we get talking about how Brits see Germans. Etienne asks what makes me laugh most about the Germans. To be honest, I'm not a great fan of German humour. It's so different from British. We laugh at more subtle things, often in a more deadpan, undetectably sarcastic way.

'Well,' I reply, 'Germans tend to be funniest when they're trying hardest not to.' I mention a report in Etienne's newspaper headlined 'Spider Causes Accident on B299'. Apparently a 19-year old driver was so horrified to discover a creepy crawly legging its way down from her rear-view mirror that she swerved and shot straight into a ditch. When police arrived on the scene, the spider had already absconded. I'm not sure what amused me most. Was it the headline which clearly blamed this motoring accident on a spider? Or some suggestion that police might have launched a region-wide search to track down the escaped insect? But I like Etienne's response: 'Tim, when we get a police report like that we just print the facts. We don't do British irony.' 

                             

This little gem is missing from the report, but there are plenty other anecdotes in there. Having read Becoming Bavarian from cover to cover, Etienne picks up on a lot of the things we Brits find quirky about the Germans. Such as going completely mad one day (Fasching) and then suddenly bouncing back to normality the next. Or the method behind the madness – carneval and school-leavers' pranks really are exceptionally well organised. I'm also glad he comments on the common sense of Bavarian traditions. Such as going into the sauna 'just as you are' and not making a big deal of it. I believe Brits and Americans could learn quite a lot from the Germans.

Enjoying a nice cuppa at the cosy La Vita
Photos (3): Etienne Nückel

By the end of the interview, I've confessed to a few more things. I admit that although I now think and speak like a German in many ways, my heart still beats for Britain. Etienne suggests I qualify the book title with a question mark:

                                                   Becoming Bavarian?                                              

Thank you Herr Nückel and team at the Mittelbayerische for going the extra mile to Mainburg and making this news!

Online 29.08.21, print edition 06.09.21

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Becoming Bavarian - Interview with FORUM

Assimilation with a winking eye -  FORUM 14 August 2021

'Well, well' begins the full-pager in our regional newspaper, 'a thick skin and a strong bladder is what you need to become a decent Bavarian. That's Tim Howe's message to his fellow countrymen and all newcomers here in the Hallertau in his recent book Becoming Bavarian.

The reporter from 'FORUM' had got back to me only moments after I’d shot out a mail saying I’d done a book on Bavaria and was happy to talk about it to anyone willing to interview me. A day later, having answered all his questions in German, I had to sit down and work out how I would have said them in English. Headlined 'Assimilation with a wink of an eye', here’s the gist of the article:

Forum: You used this past year lockdown to do something very special, is that right?

Howe: Yes, I spent it turning my blog 'Being British in Bavaria' into a story. The tale starts some 40 years in England, where I was gung-ho about everything to do with Germany and how I came to move here. It goes on to talk about the adventurous loops which newcomers have to jump through to become a die-in-the-wool local.

Forum: Gung-ho about Germany?! How come?

Howe: Germany was The Promised Land for me. Whatever Brits did, Germans seemed to do better. Not just economically and in sports, but also when it came to food and music. I got a special kick out of German pop songs. Penfriends would send me video tapes (remember the days before satellite TV?!). Instead of  Top of the Pops, I’d be glued to Dieter Thomas Heck’s ZDF Hit Parade.

Forum: And is Bavaria everything you expected it to be?

Howe: On the one hand yes. It’s a treasure trove for anyone into sports: I love the mountains and lakes. We were lucky to find an idyllic plot of land to build on here in the Hallertau. On the other hand, I miss all traces of community spirit in our local village. I’d seen scores of Heimat films and expected to find everyone in the countryside living happily together in nice close-knit communities. But locals in deepest Lower Bavaria aren't all that bothered about mixing with people from outside. Perhaps because they just prefer sticking to their large circle of relatives. Or because of their dialect. If you want to get on with locals it’s not enough to speak German. You also have to speak Lower Bavarian!

Forum: Does an anecdote of  'cultural clash' spring to mind?

Howe: Yes, just after arriving here from England where we just chucked all rubbish in one bin. My neighbours, who up to then had always greeted me so nice and politely, caught me throwing a broken hairdryer into the normal grey bin, rather than taking it to a waste disposal centre. They reported me to the police. I laugh about it now, but at the time I was horrified that Germans seemed keener on policing their neighbours rather than just trying to get on well together.

Forum: So any tips on how a non-Bavarian can become a Bavarian?

Howe: You've got to join a club or association. That was my intention too, until I realised that out in the countryside there's actually very little choice: Shooting, football or brass band association. Take your pick! If you don’t join any of these you are and will always be a Zuageroasta. 

The interview was conducted by Bernd Wagner.